September 23, 2023
“Mom…there’s something I need to show you.”
Those words were first spoken to me by my then 13-year-old daughter in July 2020. She had always been an anxious kid, but to us seemed overall happy and thriving. She is one of those people who seems to be good at everything. She was a pretty good student, tested well, and was identified as gifted in reading and math around 3rd grade. She is artistic and continues to amaze me at the things she has drawn. She played piano and clarinet and did well while it lasted. And most know that she is a decent athlete. She played soccer, softball, basketball and has now settled on just volleyball, which she absolutely loves. She is super competitive, loves to win and hates to lose. She works really hard, asks questions and from what I see, is always trying to be a good teammate. You can always hear her cheering on her teammates when things are going well, and even when they are not. Her love of people overall has always been apparent through all the noise. However, she has struggled to love herself…. which I believe has led to the struggles she continues to face.
After a softball game in July of 2020, while driving home, my daughter said “mom…there’s something I need to show you”. At the time I don’t think I thought much about that. Kids show parents stuff all the time. But I was not prepared for what she showed me. A singular cut across her wrist, close to her hand. It was not very deep, but it was apparent that she did this to herself. Immediately a million thoughts rushed through my mind. When did this happen? How did this happen? What caused her to do this? What have we missed as parents? Why didn’t she come to us? It also brought flashbacks about the first time I really heard about self-harm. A friend of mine had a daughter who dealt with self-harm when she was in high school. My kids were little at the time. I just remember the pain that my friend experienced, and my heart hurt for her, but I did not quite grasp the severity of the pain she was experiencing, until I felt that pain for myself. Let me tell you, this is not pain I would wish on anyone.
Of course, when she showed me that singular cut, my heart and my head went into panic mode. I immediately started bombarding her with questions (which is definitely not what you want to do in this situation…something I have learned along the way, yet still struggle to apply at times). And then when we got home, we sat down with her dad and had a discussion. I don’t really remember that discussion, but I know I was hoping with all my being that we wouldn’t need to have this discussion again. However, that was not the case. That singular cut has since turned into many, many scars on her arms, legs, and stomach. These scars signify the battle that she has been struggling through the past 3 years. She does still add to these scars on occasion because it has become a coping mechanism for her when life is too much, and she doesn’t know what else to do. But let me tell you, she has been working so hard to overcome this, and I know with all my heart that she will conquer this.